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[FloridaDean]

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him," Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to 80?"

[South Carolina Redfish]

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him," Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to 80?"

Pretty funny

[FloridaDean]

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious", she replies. "I want it four times in the rocking chair!"

[A Friend of Charlie]

clam sauce built and simmering. should be ready by 5-5:30.

Any baby food in there?

no! I start with Progresso White Clam Sauce, add extra baby clams, mushrooms, olive oil, butter, Oregano, and tons of garlic.

Maybe you should try adding some clam baby food

the day may come when I need to eat baby food again, but it's not now and I won't buy it, yet.

Shessh.  You guys keep busting Tony's balls over the baby food.  Fact is, it's a safer and healthier way to get the pear flavoring into the sauce than using actual pears.

It's funny. Just let it go. I thought it was weird the first time I did it too but why not take the short cut?

Personally, I vote we keep busting your balls. 

No one appreciates that more than me. Much better than being ignored.

[FloridaDean]

In a crazy kind of way... this makes a little sense!! Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool, and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, plus an exercise outdoor yard with gardens.
Each senior could have a P.C., a T.V., radio, and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors, to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to. Since they're older people in the rooms, fewer guards would be required thus - saving the taxpayers millions.
The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.
Live in a tiny room, pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.

[FloridaDean]

Senior Citizen Texting Codes

ATD - At The Doctors
BFF - Best Friend Fell
BTW - Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL - Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMMO - Is My Hearing-Aid On
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
OMMR - On My Message Recliner
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFLACGU - Rolling On Floor Laughing and Can't Get Up
TTYL - Talk To You Louder

[South Carolina Redfish]

clam sauce built and simmering. should be ready by 5-5:30.

Any baby food in there?

no! I start with Progresso White Clam Sauce, add extra baby clams, mushrooms, olive oil, butter, Oregano, and tons of garlic.

Maybe you should try adding some clam baby food

the day may come when I need to eat baby food again, but it's not now and I won't buy it, yet.

Shessh.  You guys keep busting Tony's balls over the baby food.  Fact is, it's a safer and healthier way to get the pear flavoring into the sauce than using actual pears.

It's funny. Just let it go. I thought it was weird the first time I did it too but why not take the short cut?

Personally, I vote we keep busting your balls. 

No one appreciates that more than me. Much better than being ignored.

I am still trying to figure out what would make anyone think you have balls

[FloridaDean]

An old woman wants to make love to her husband. She shows up completely naked while he is watching TV. The man says: 'What are you doing?'. She answers with: 'I am wearing the Dress Of Love, do you like it?'. He thinks a little while and replies: 'You know, it might have looked better if you ironed it first'.

[FloridaDean]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old hav…ing sex would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

[FloridaDean]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”

Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”

OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”

“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

“Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

[South Carolina Redfish]

Here is your answer to owning your own place to live Dean.

http://interior-guru.com/2016/09/26/the-pros-and-cons-of-houses-made-from-shipping-containers/#

[LuvTooGolf]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old hav…ing sex would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

LALTS

[South Carolina Redfish]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old hav…ing sex would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

LALTS

That one is funny as shit!

[LuvTooGolf]

Here is your answer to owning your own place to live Dean.

http://interior-guru.com/2016/09/26/the-pros-and-cons-of-houses-made-from-shipping-containers/#

Not sure I'd trust the one hanging over the cliff. But that's just me.

[South Carolina Redfish]

Here is your answer to owning your own place to live Dean.

http://interior-guru.com/2016/09/26/the-pros-and-cons-of-houses-made-from-shipping-containers/#

Not sure I'd trust the one hanging over the cliff. But that's just me.

Yeah, some of them are pretty interesting but a few are a bit sketchy!