This made me laugh out loud.
Two aliens landed their flying saucer near an abandoned gas station in the desert. They got out of their craft and approached one of the gas pumps. The alien captain pointed his sidearm at the pump and demanded, "Take us to your leader!" The gas pump said nothing. The captain repeated the demand, more intensely. "Take us to your leader!" But there was no response.
The ensign said to the captain, "Sir, I've got a bad feeling about this."
"Shut up!" said the captain. "I'm in charge here." He repeated his demand to the pump, "Take me to your leader!" but again the gas pump said nothing.
"Sir, I really think these guys are bad news, let's..."
"Shut UP!!" the captain shouted. "I'm the captain, dammit!" Then he turned again to the gas pump. "Last chance! Take me to your leader!" The gas pump still said nothing.
So the alien captain carefully aimed his weapon and fired at the pump. The entire station exploded and the two aliens were thrown to the dirt a hundred yards away. As they were dusting themselves off, the captain looked at his ensign and says, "Okay, how'd you know those guys were bad news?"
"Sir, I been all over this galaxy," replied the ensign. "I've seen a lot of shit and I've learned a lot of shit. But if I've learned anything, it's this - if you encounter a creature who can wrap its dick around its waist and hang it from its ear, just leave it to hell alone."