“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” -Joan Rivers
“Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of ‘s.’ I suppose you could say ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Happy New Year,’ but you probably have sh*t to do.” — On Bill O’Reilly’s objection to “Happy Holidays” - Jon Stewart
“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” - George Carlin
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” - Jay Leno
“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.” - Anthony Jeselnik
