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Author Topic: 1/5/2017  (Read 26263 times)

Travellin Dave

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Re: 1/5/2017
« Reply #135 on: January 05, 2017, 10:48:08 AM »

A man and his wife are playing the fifth hole at their club when he slices his drive so far to the right it rolls into an equipment barn. He finds the ball and plans to take a drop when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."

He thinks this is a good idea, so she holds the door. He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her.

A year later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed. He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."

He looks at her, shakes his head, and explains, "No way. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole!"
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Travellin Dave

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Re: 1/5/2017
« Reply #136 on: January 05, 2017, 10:49:15 AM »

Noting that her husband looked more haggard and disgruntled than usual after his weekly golf game, his wife asked what was wrong.

He answered, "Well, on the fourth hole, Harry had a heart attack and died. It was terrible! The entire rest of the day, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry!"
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Travellin Dave

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Re: 1/5/2017
« Reply #137 on: January 05, 2017, 10:50:12 AM »

It was a sunny Sunday morning, and Murray was beginning his preshot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the ladies' tee please back up to the men's tee."

Murray remained in his routine, seemingly unfazed by the interruption.

A little louder: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"

Murray raised up out of his stance, lowered his driver, and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"
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Travellin Dave

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Re: 1/5/2017
« Reply #138 on: January 05, 2017, 10:52:11 AM »

As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be, "Honey, I've got something to confess: I'm a golf nut, and every chance I get, I'll be playing golf!"

"Since we're being honest," replies the bride, "I have to tell you that I'm a hooker."

The groom replies, "That's okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight!"
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Travellin Dave

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Re: 1/5/2017
« Reply #139 on: January 05, 2017, 10:54:36 AM »

A multimillionaire bachelor goes to his club to play golf with two friends. Not knowing who would be joining them, they walk to the first tee.

As they finish teeing off, a tall, beautiful, raven-haired woman asks if she can join them. Although the bachelor thinks this is going to slow down their play, he agrees. The woman tees up a ball and, without a practice swing, smacks it straight down the middle.

This goes on all day and she finishes even par for the round, beating all the men.

They invite her back the next week. They have a great time, and she shoots the same score. The bachelor thinks to himself, "This is the girl of my dreams!" So he asks her out on a date. They go out, find they have much in common, and have a great evening.

They make another golf date, during which she shoots two-under and gives a clinic in shotmaking.

The millionaire is now convinced that they are meant to be together. He invites her back to his apartment, where they talk for hours. Everything is progressing smoothly, so he invites her to his bedroom. Their passions run riot, but she doesn't let things go too far and he drives her home.

This pattern continues for a month: Great golf, great dates, but nights of abbreviated passion. The bachelor can't take it any more.

"I know the time we spent on the golf course and in my apartment is wonderful. And even though we haven't been fully intimate, I know that I love you, you love me, and that you are the girl I want to marry!"

"Darling," she says, "I have something to tell you. I can not hide it anymore. I am a man!"

His mouth drops open, his face turns red, he begins to shake. She's convinced he's going to have a heart attack, or worse, when finally, in a blind rage, he shouts, "And all this time you've been playing from the red tees?"
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FloridaDean

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Re: 1/5/2017
« Reply #140 on: January 05, 2017, 10:54:57 AM »

I always keep one handy with syrups and jams.
Just don't mix that up with the Nair.
you keep Nair in your fridge?
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Travellin Dave

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Re: 1/5/2017
« Reply #141 on: January 05, 2017, 10:57:40 AM »

Guess I got carried away...
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South Carolina Redfish

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Re: 1/5/2017
« Reply #142 on: January 05, 2017, 11:01:17 AM »

Guess I got carried away...
10 by 10 though (Central Time)
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FloridaDean

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Re: 1/5/2017
« Reply #143 on: January 05, 2017, 11:06:20 AM »

good morning ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the opening day of the 2017 Cigarbanter Golf Joke Classic, sponsored by Tapatalk and cheap cigar vendors everywhere.
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FloridaDean

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Re: 1/5/2017
« Reply #144 on: January 05, 2017, 11:07:28 AM »

Guess I got carried away...
I'm still concerned about where you keep your Nair.
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sfish

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Re: 1/5/2017
« Reply #145 on: January 05, 2017, 11:09:41 AM »

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LuvTooGolf

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Re: 1/5/2017
« Reply #146 on: January 05, 2017, 11:11:55 AM »

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FloridaDean

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Re: 1/5/2017
« Reply #147 on: January 05, 2017, 11:21:54 AM »

Guess I got carried away...
I'm still concerned about where you keep your Nair.

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The veterinarian told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she could go to the store for 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some Nair. At the register, the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady responds: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." The lady answers: "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week."
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sfish

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Re: 1/5/2017
« Reply #148 on: January 05, 2017, 11:25:26 AM »

Room 101 Serie HN Papi Chulo
50 Cigars
Monster Price: $148.98 w/ FREE Economy Shipping
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Travellin Dave

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Re: 1/5/2017
« Reply #149 on: January 05, 2017, 11:25:43 AM »

Guess I got carried away...
I'm still concerned about where you keep your Nair.
Just to cool off that razor burn.  Refreshing!
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