Ron White: If I could offer one piece of advice to the planet, it would be this: Don't marry for looks alone, and I'll tell you why. In a few years, when Barbara's boobs start sagging, she can get plastic surgery, have them lifted, move the nipple wherever. You can actually go to a titty bar, pick out a set of titties and say, "I want those titties on that woman." If her belly gets too big, she can get a tummy tuck and have a belly like a cheerleader. If her vision goes bad, you can have LASIK surgery and have 20/20 vision. If her hearing goes bad, they can install a device in her ear that will give you hearing as clear as it was the day you were born. But let me tell you something, folks: You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.
Ron White: I think because of the unrest in the Middle East, we're all becoming more aware of the globe. I found out the other day there really is a place called Bumfuk, Egypt. And the only way to get there is to go up Shit Creek.
Ron White: My high school marching band was so small, they formed a period. The next year, they formed a comma. We're kicking some ass.
Ron White: When my wife's on her period, she won't have sex with me at all! No way! Which is bullshit, because if the roller coaster's broken, they don't shut down the whole amusement park! People standing outside the fence going, "The log ride's still working. And I've got some
[referring to material in his "They Call Me Tater Salad" DVD]
Ron White: 'coupins'!"
Ron White: Barbara was actually Jeff Foxworthy's interior designer when we first met. So, not only was Jeff responsible for my success in my career, he also introduced me to the woman who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, which, I think, makes us even.
Ron White: We went on our honeymoon to Santorini, Greece, and the cruise was fine. We fought the whole time. And I knew this was going to happen because she booked the cruise, she's showing it to me on the calendar, and the cruise is at the end of the month. Guess what else happens at the end of the month over at our house?
Ron White: There was a fan of mine there who wanted to talk to me all day long, yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak. This guy told me his entire life story against my will. This guy raped my ear. This guy forcibly shoved unwanted information into my ear hole! No means no!
Ron White: Probably the most frequently asked question on my website is why I'm not a part of Blue Collar TV, which is Jeff, Larry, and Bill's show, and the answer is because of my work ethic. My grandfather used to say, "That boy's got a lot of quit in him." And the things I didn't quit, I got kicked out of. I got kicked off the high school debate team for saying "Yeah? Well FUCK you!" I thought I had won, 'cause the other kid was *speechless*. I thought that's what we were trying to do.
Ron White: The year I turned 13, I experimented with something, and my grandma caught me in the bathroom just a'doin it. She said, "It says in the Bible, young man, that it is better for your seed to fall in the belly of a whore than on the ground." I said, "Tough to argue with that logic, Grandma. You got 50 bucks?"
